All of you probably have met my internal critic. She's harsh. I'm too this, never enough that. Never ever good enough. She manifested her snide presence in excess today. I woke up at 1:24 a.m. to my throat actually on fire. Burning. The two tall glasses of water were completely ineffectual, and the ole throat remained in a state of raw, shredded pain. Remains, actually, in the present tense. Talking hurts, and even when I'm not in front of the classroom talking at the students, I'm usually telling them to shut up (never using those words, though). :) So, I stayed home sick.
And feel guilt. Lots of guilt.
Here's what the aforementioned critic sounds like: "You're such a pansy. What weak excuse for a teacher stays home because of a sore throat? You know you just stayed home because it's sunny and nice outside. You're never going to cut it as a real teacher. You're just not good enough. Or strong enough. Here you are sitting outside reading. Oh yeah - "resting", huh? You're never going to get a job. No one even likes you. Your friends don't stay home sick. It's just you. Because you're weak and incompetant. Oh, and you're fat."
So I was trying to be metacognitive and figure out where this voice came from. And then I distinctly heard my dad's voice beating down on himself. He never thought he was good enough, and vocalized it frequently. Apparently it's a learned behavior. And a bad habit. That I need to break long before I ever have children, if ever that day comes. It's hard enough to focus on, you know, eternal things and serving others. Add to that general human difficulty this Voice that insists I think about myself and assume worthlessness and judgment from others.
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4 comments:
Thanks for the heads up, I'll have to try pretty hard to keep from passing this on to the Nessie.
And to add a dissenting voice to your internal critic, you're a great person who's great in every way it is reasonable for a person to be so.
Ditto to my husband. I do this too, and I'm trying to break Matt of it, so maybe I should stop so I feel less hypocritical.
I think a sore throat is a good reason to call in sick. It is, in fact, sickness. Sitting (outside or in) is resting. If you were like, "I'll call in sick, then go for a 4-mile hike and a trip to the water park", maybe that wouldn't be resting.
Not like reason helps any of these things, but still.
I miss you!
Let me introduce you to every teacher's favorite friend: Mr. Mental Health Day. Every so often we need to stay home when we're only kinda sick (or even not sick at all) in order to preserve our sanity and keep us from screaming at and/or throwing innocent students out the window. The vast majority of good, professional, excellent teachers I know know and love Mr. MHD. It makes them better teachers. Make sure you find an administration that agrees. And make sure you don't feel guilty, since it makes you a better teacher. A fire needs space between the logs to burn, and you need space to keep going, too!
Becky
I'm not really sure why I've been saying it all night long, but I think it applies directly to this situation.
Take it or leave it, but
"kick him (or her) in the balls"
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