The last couple months, I've been constantly on the edge of falling into a muddy pit. I'm one misunderstood comment away from sobbing inconsolably for two or three days. I'm irritable and snappy. The you're-not-and-never-will-be-good-enough dragon whispers constantly in my mind. I feel at fault for everything tragic, wicked, or annoying in the world.
And while this might be a usual sort of funk for first year teachers, for women planning a wedding, for women adjusting to hormonal birth control, for Eastern Washingtonians in March when the weather forecast says rain/snow 35 degrees every day for the next ten days, I want out. Normal or not, I want to be healed. I want joy and peace that seems impossible right now. I want to run from the voice that yells You're Too ______________ (stupid, lazy, fat, ugly, boring, etc) and You Don't Have Any ________________ (strength, friends, talent, time, energy).
How do I summon the gumption to get out of bed when I am so worn down I don't have any fire left in me?
12 comments:
Heya Mary! You sound like Heidi. Your body thinks its pregnant (even though, I know, it's not possible yet). Until your body gets used to it you'll be an emotional basket case. Just have fun ridin the roller coaster!!! love ya marry!
AND if it makes you feel any better, we wanted to invite like 600 some odd people, but could only fit 80 or so (you remember, of course!) Just cut them and forget. That's the way to go!
and it's neat that I can comment on your stuff :-D
and just cause it's neat I'll comment again!
and again...
Hehe, Brandon is funny.
"I feel at fault for everything tragic, wicked, or annoying in the world." Man oh man, I friggum feel you on this whole post, but that sentence really summed me up. I wish we would hang out and cheer each other up!
I'm sorry you feel crappy right now, and that you are dealing with approximately 12.7-4000% more than you need to be right now. Any Scottish goodies that would help? Tea? Biscuits? Lemon Curd?
hormonal birth control is the devil. three life-saving letters: iud.
Also, one day soon, the your-wedding-and-you-must-be-absolutely-flawless-and-you-must-have-the-best-time-of-your-life-planning-it monster will evaporate in one glorious day and you can go back to being a real person. :)
While I can't even muster the brain power for empathy in what you are experiencing (sorry...don't have those organs), I'll just say I hope you can make it to Spring Break (if not call it a mental health day!) I do miss you and several other Spokanites, and I'm honored that you thought of me to be a DC reference (I'm the only one I know too!) Speaking of Spring Break, mine is next week, so when my life slows from a break neck pace this week, I'll email over the weekend!
Beautiful Mary...that peace that you are talking about in your blog is a "fruit of the spirit"...and you can only enjoy that fruit if you are abiding in Jesus.
I hope you are finding time to abide with the Creator of the Universe...and then you will find your peace.
P.S. Don't feel bad about taking Aaron and I off your guest list for your wedding. We won't be offended. We love you, Mary!!!
Yeah, an iud won't give you those side fx, but I can say with conviction that I am currently experiencing ISSUES with mine...
I think you and I should get our dragons together and beat the crap out of them. With Bats. And then we can eat ice cream, create silly stories and watch a good chick flick. Whadda you say?
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