I went to two weddings yesterday afternoon. Both were beautiful, both suited the couples' personalities perfectly. Listening to two different sets of vows and two sermons on marriage was timely, to say the least.
While I was driving from one wedding to the other, the idea of marriage - what it means, what it takes - crashed into my mind. In many ways I feel so unprepared. Aren't I supposed to be mature in order to get married? Don't I have to be this upstanding selfless woman who prays for her husband and future children for four hours every morning? Don't I have to be responsible with money? Don't I have to be unashamed of my naked body (and therefore weigh a ridiculous number on the scale)? All these questions overwhelmed me with feelings of complete unworthiness. I'm incapable of being a good wife.
While there has been so much healing in me - David being the catalyst for much of it - I am still mired in many insecurities. So I spent my drive thinking about where it comes from. A lot of my self-condemning language came from my dad. I don't want to pass it on to my children.
And then God decided I had done enough thinking on my own and stepped in. He said, "Mary." He always starts out by saying my name. "David is a gift. Your marriage is my grace to you. Your marriage is your mission to the world. You have never been worthy of the gifts I give you. That's the point, isn't it? While you were still a sinner, I died for you. And now, haven't you thought enough about yourself? Think about me. Love me. I will heal you if you'll only just look at me and let me."
So that's what I've been thinking about.
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3 comments:
Hooray! You guys are getting married! Enjoy the last few days of teaching insanity and single-ness!! :) Three cheers for Mary!!
Also, I hope you don't have an ulcer. I've only seen horses with ulcers and they aren't happy campers.
I can tell you that being a "good wife" comes only with spending many days in a sincere, committed, intentional marriage under the covenant that God himself has shared in. Maturity? Ha. Responsibility? Um, right. Selfless? All I can say is that there are a lot of responsible, mature, giving people who have marriages fail. It is the grace of God that brought you together and in His grace will your marriage succeed.
And the naked body unashamedness comes after awhile-- don't worry too much. :)
I had a lot of those same thoughts before we got married, even before I asked Jeni to marry me. I figure it may actually be better not to have it all together before you get married. If you think of yourself as a mature and complete person before you join yourself to someone else, where are they going to fit? Far better to have room to stretch and grow with that new person in your life I think. Become mature together, become one flesh.
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