Day Before

Dear Body,

This is Mind. I'm going to try to be polite, but it's going to be difficult. Why did you wake me up at 5am with a killer Charley Horse? NOT NICE. And you feel barfy - don't you know we have TONS to do today? And what is with the breakout?? I can't just be limping around feeling sorry for you all weekend. We're getting married for crying out loud. Pull yourself together.

Dear Mind,
Just shut up. Do you know what your stress hormones do to me? Don't you dare blame me for something you caused. I think you owe me an apology. And breakfast.

Just a tad

I spent about half of my prep period crying under my desk.

I'm a little stressed out.

Magic

One of my students put on a magic show this week. That sounds cheesier than it was - he is a very charismatic and talented person, and the show was incredibly entertaining. Two parts of his show blessed me immensely: watching the two thuglike teenage boys burst into stitches and hearing my student cheerfully (and unconsciously) repeat my words to the audience.

You in the back! I see you! You might as well participate because we're not moving on until you do.

Introspection

I went to two weddings yesterday afternoon. Both were beautiful, both suited the couples' personalities perfectly. Listening to two different sets of vows and two sermons on marriage was timely, to say the least.

While I was driving from one wedding to the other, the idea of marriage - what it means, what it takes - crashed into my mind. In many ways I feel so unprepared. Aren't I supposed to be mature in order to get married? Don't I have to be this upstanding selfless woman who prays for her husband and future children for four hours every morning? Don't I have to be responsible with money? Don't I have to be unashamed of my naked body (and therefore weigh a ridiculous number on the scale)? All these questions overwhelmed me with feelings of complete unworthiness. I'm incapable of being a good wife.

While there has been so much healing in me - David being the catalyst for much of it - I am still mired in many insecurities. So I spent my drive thinking about where it comes from. A lot of my self-condemning language came from my dad. I don't want to pass it on to my children.

And then God decided I had done enough thinking on my own and stepped in. He said, "Mary." He always starts out by saying my name. "David is a gift. Your marriage is my grace to you. Your marriage is your mission to the world. You have never been worthy of the gifts I give you. That's the point, isn't it? While you were still a sinner, I died for you. And now, haven't you thought enough about yourself? Think about me. Love me. I will heal you if you'll only just look at me and let me."

So that's what I've been thinking about.